Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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