I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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