This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
