I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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