i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
