I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
