I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize