It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
