its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
