I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
