I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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