I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
