I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
