how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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