Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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