my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
