Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
