I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
