I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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