Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
