What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
if only i could text you this smell
Is it because I queefed?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
