I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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