Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
