today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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