I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
