i love accidental penises.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
