I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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