oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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