I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
