so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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