So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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