i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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