I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize