Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She's the barista slut.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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