how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
