We're like a lot better than the average bears
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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