You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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