i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
