you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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