Plan B is the new Plan A
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
