she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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