I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
