There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize