evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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