I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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