hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
