You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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