I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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