Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
