The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
