Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
