Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So vagazzling was a success
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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