I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
