Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
