Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
