next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
