fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
