Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
