To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
