so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
