i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize