Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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