Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
