Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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