Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
