I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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