I wish I could teleport
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
