I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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