i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
did i just pee glitter
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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