WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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